Sonntag, September 04, 2005
The Morning After
Our neighbors had a post-party breakfast for all their guests who slept over last night. After crawling out of bed at 10:30, I went over to break bread (and spread with nutella). The English-speaking guests were still there and we had a fun breakfast, but I felt strange afterward. Speaking in English at a party in front of my host family was so strange. I felt like they were seeing a brash, attention-seeking Heather. I felt awkward and stripped bare when it was over. Like they really knew me; like I was exposed. I felt so American; like I had dropped the bike-riding, environmentally-conscious, patient and pensive German veneer that I have cultivated over the past two weeks. It was so strange. I didn't like myself for a while afterward, and I was afraid they wouldn't like me anymore either...
Luckily, those feelings passed. By dinnertime, I felt back-to-normal; concentrating intently on the German conversations floating around me, enjoying the quiet that I really love about living here. In being here, I feel like I've shed some of that American bravado; that type-A, needing-to-prove-myelf-in-every-situation, domineering personality that I began to cultivate in Ms. Montag's (in German, she would be Ms. Monday!!) kindergarten class. I like all the listening I am doing here; I like the thoughtful answers that come with minimal speaking. I like that for once in my life I do not have to meet anyone's expectations; I can enjoy a party without leaving feeling that I made a fool of myself.
However, I did like that my vocabulary started to reemerge after the long English conversations. Sometimes, I feel like I am tripping over myself even when I speak English; the words sometimes seem to dangle just out of reach.... In some ways, living here has made things clearer. Because I am not subject to the neverending onslaught of images of Hurricane Katrina, I am forced to look at the devastation in a different way. I can carefully read newspapers online, talk to Germans who are reading their newspapers, and think thoroughly about the issue before being forced to come to a conclusion. In the states, my emotion often preceeded my brain. However, I nearly cried this morning when I read that Chief Justice Rehnquist died, and climbed out my window (I live on the bottom--almost basement--floor) to tell the American guest before he left. It was this strange feeling; I needed to talk with someone who would 'understand.' I needed to connect with another American...right then...for some reason, I didn't think a German person could understand. I don't know what exactly I wanted them to understand, though, it was strange.
However, I find myself really appreciating the way German people live; how their country is set up to encourage and support the family unit... Right now, I almost find it easier living here than in England. At least here the different language almost eases the other cultural differences; it is ok that things are different. Plus, every English-speaker you meet is a friend!
Alas, this was a departure from my fun and funny posts, but I think I am going to see Sven again, so that will be a fun update. Plus, I will learn German soon (in about a week), and that is BOUND to be funny.
It was an idyllic weekend. I fall more in love with Hannover and my host family every day. Here's to a great rest-of-the-year.
Luckily, those feelings passed. By dinnertime, I felt back-to-normal; concentrating intently on the German conversations floating around me, enjoying the quiet that I really love about living here. In being here, I feel like I've shed some of that American bravado; that type-A, needing-to-prove-myelf-in-every-situation, domineering personality that I began to cultivate in Ms. Montag's (in German, she would be Ms. Monday!!) kindergarten class. I like all the listening I am doing here; I like the thoughtful answers that come with minimal speaking. I like that for once in my life I do not have to meet anyone's expectations; I can enjoy a party without leaving feeling that I made a fool of myself.
However, I did like that my vocabulary started to reemerge after the long English conversations. Sometimes, I feel like I am tripping over myself even when I speak English; the words sometimes seem to dangle just out of reach.... In some ways, living here has made things clearer. Because I am not subject to the neverending onslaught of images of Hurricane Katrina, I am forced to look at the devastation in a different way. I can carefully read newspapers online, talk to Germans who are reading their newspapers, and think thoroughly about the issue before being forced to come to a conclusion. In the states, my emotion often preceeded my brain. However, I nearly cried this morning when I read that Chief Justice Rehnquist died, and climbed out my window (I live on the bottom--almost basement--floor) to tell the American guest before he left. It was this strange feeling; I needed to talk with someone who would 'understand.' I needed to connect with another American...right then...for some reason, I didn't think a German person could understand. I don't know what exactly I wanted them to understand, though, it was strange.
However, I find myself really appreciating the way German people live; how their country is set up to encourage and support the family unit... Right now, I almost find it easier living here than in England. At least here the different language almost eases the other cultural differences; it is ok that things are different. Plus, every English-speaker you meet is a friend!
Alas, this was a departure from my fun and funny posts, but I think I am going to see Sven again, so that will be a fun update. Plus, I will learn German soon (in about a week), and that is BOUND to be funny.
It was an idyllic weekend. I fall more in love with Hannover and my host family every day. Here's to a great rest-of-the-year.
# posted by Heather @ 10:57 PM 
